Adventures in everything-ing

Collected interactions from hard days' work:

1) In the car

Kiddo: Ugh. They should walk faster. They walk way too slow.
Me: Well, they're pretty old. That might be as fast as they can go.
Kiddo: Why are they old?
Me: ...

2) On a bike

Different Kiddo: You're young, right?
Me: Sort of.
DK: How old are you?
Me: 31
DK: Oh, that's still pretty young. I thought you were a seventh grader because you're not very tall. Maybe as tall as the average sixth grader. Maybe when you're 32, you'll be as tall as an eighth grader.

3) Dating Advice

Same Kiddo: You need to find a husband.
Me: You think so?
SK: Yeah. I can help you.
Me: Oh Yeah?
SK: Find the handsomest guy you can, tell him he's handsome, ask him on a date, get married.

4) Roommates

My Undergrad Student: Ugh, my roommate is the worst! She got so drunk I had to go get her from a party, then she fell asleep in my bed!
Me: I was never good at having roommates, I don't miss it.
MUS: Are you one of those people who is really, really tidy?
Me: Nah, just a big weirdo.

5) History

Kiddo from #s 2-3: Tell me about when you were 14.
Me: Well, the internet was slower and we didn't have YouTube.
K: ...but TV had been invented, right?

6) Personal Care (no. 1)

Same Kiddo: Why's your face covered with pimples...or are they freckles?
Me:...
SK:...
Me:...They're both, thank you.

7) Personal Care (no. 2)

Me: Okay, we're going to ride bikes today, so let's get your helmet and hop on!
Different Kiddo: *Pees*

8) On Affection (no. 1)

Me: Hey dude, this is our last class of the year! Can I have a hug?
*Hugs*
Me: Have an awesome summer, okay?
Different Kiddo: Okay.
*Wraps both arms around the back of my neck and pulls*
DK: Give us a goodbye kiss!!!

9) On Affection (no. 2)

Kiddo from #7: *Licks my arm*
*Runs his fingers through my hair*
*Tugs gently on my earlobe*
*Purples my nerple*